Encounter

I’ve written before about feeling our feelings—really working through what we feel and how we feel things. I described how it is that we teach those principles of being able to identify what you’re feeling and putting it into words to our three kids.

Kids take a long time to cement this and put it into practice. They may understand the principle—as my three year old does when he tells us he “feels like Hulk and wants to smash things!”—but being able to work through them is difficult.

As kids age and mature we have to take them from simply “feeling” their feelings to encountering. As adults, we have to be able to not just understand what we’re feeling, but understand how to work through them.

The way I explain this to teenagers is by telling them that they need to “encounter” their feelings.

That usually gets some blank stares, so let me explain it this way: have you ever heard the phrase “it’s just a phase”?

That phrase tends to be popular among parents of teenagers, and chances are you might have had this said to you once, or said it about a teenager or young adult at some point.

But this phrase is also a huge point of frustration. To the person hearing it, it says, “your feelings on this matter are invalid.” I remember debates with teachers, pastors and other adults in my life when I was younger, and the way they dismissed me was by turning to the next available adult and saying, “whatever, it’s just a phase.”

But we need to teach people to work through what they’re feeling. After being able to realize what they are feeling, people need to learn to release it in a healthy way, and we—as the presumably more mature one in the relationship—need to help them through this.

Our five year old has a few ways of working through emotions, but the most successful method for him is being able to give us action steps that he will take to rectify the situation.

Sometimes—like when he’s angry at someone or something—his action steps are removing himself from the situation and apologizing for hurting his brothers (like usually happens). With a teenager, working through anger may be apologizing for hurtful words and actions.

When I’m in a depressive episode, encountering my feelings is celebrating the small things I am able to accomplish. It’s making sure I eat and shower and do things other than stay in bed and watch tv all day long.

When a teenager—or anyone, really—is experiencing an emotion you don’t quite know what to do with, help them to work through their emotions. Help them to talk through what they’re feeling. Help them to name the next step they can take.

Our goal is to help to nurture healthy people. Helping the folks around us truly encounter their emotions is simply the second step to that end.

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